Being a Christian includes doing all you can to take care of family members, even when they continually exhibit unhealthy and irresponsible lives, right? Or is it? Is there a point when their continuous dysfunction crosses the boundary as we struggle with carrying their burden, diligently seeking ways to pull them out of the mire of their pit as they constantly refuse to budge? When does it become a co-dependent relationship and what does co-dependent even mean?
The dictionary defines co-dependency as, “Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a person, typically one with an illness or addiction”. American Mental Health says that, “Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. People with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.” Oh, my! I am so THIS!....or at least I previously was. See, I am now a recovered co-dependent. However, it was a long time coming; because for years I had mistakenly taken my loving, caring, fix-it attitude as the “Christian” thing to do. I was challenged to take a hard look at some of my relationships before I realized how very unhealthy they were while attending a Celebrate Recovery Co-Dependency program at my church. That was when I was introduced to the definition of insanity, which was “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
Was I insane? Or was I just repeating a learned behavior? Looking back, it was a behavior that was modeled extremely well during my childhood. I realized that the modeled behavior had actually caused more dysfunction than it had in helping the ‘other’ person. Mainly, because the other person didn’t change…it had only made the co-dependent take on the responsibility of the other person’s behavior instead of taking responsibility for their self. Gee, and we co-dependents thought our strong point was that we cared so much! I now realize that my weak point is that I often underestimate the people with whom I’m dealing. They know what they’re doing. I had a naïve assumption that people don’t follow agendas of their own, in their own perceived best interest.
As I learned more about my co-dependency issues, I learned that I needed to lovingly detach from some of my relationships. I also had to learn that detaching doesn’t mean that I don’t care. All my controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen did not really show how much I cared. It was not affecting the outcome. It didn’t work. For years, I thought I was doing things right by giving them needed steps for them to take to get their lives in order. I would continuously get involved in their drama, even though they never took my suggested steps or made any effort towards change. I needed to let go of my need to control and allow God to be in charge. But, when I did, then it hit. Guilt. I felt guilty about those I left behind-those not recovering, those still in pain. I learned that survivor’s guilt is a symptom of co-dependency. Rats! I couldn’t even get away with feeling the guilt!
I had to learn that, as much as I wanted to, I could not bring everyone with me on my journey of recovery. I did not have to wait for others to decide to change as well. I gave myself permission to grow, even though the people I loved were not ready to make changes. I had to leave them behind in their dysfunction and suffering because I cannot recover for them. But, I chose to not suffer with them and to stop trying to force change upon them. They are accountable for themselves.
I am learning to enjoy the fullness and joy of life without the unrealistic expectation that those I love get there with me. God gives every one of us free will to accept His love to replace those hurts and hang-ups that we all have. It just so happened that I took His gracious gift and learned to dance within the bounds of his love and quit trying to control. It is His job to touch people and effect change. Not mine. For He is God, and I’m NOT.
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