My life verse has forever been Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” This verse has ministered to me in my darkest hours. I grasped hold of this promise years ago and clung to it mightily when my world was bleak and scary. It is amazing how the power of God is released through his Word if we only believe. There have been so many times when God’s Word has boldly given me confidence when anxiety and stress tried to consume me. I will tell you about the period of my life when I began to tighten my grip on this verse.
I was quite young, a teenager with a child, married to an abusive spouse. I didn’t plan on that scenario. Looking back, I realize that when I got married so young, it was not because I was in love, as much as it was that I was running from a chaotic childhood home. I have wondered in hindsight how I tolerated the abuse even one time, much less all the many instances that I endured. Perhaps the abuse didn’t seem all that abnormal to me because I had not had role models to exemplify what love was supposed to look like. My childhood was full of yelling, screaming and name calling between my parents. However, this man I married was supposedly a Christian. I thought my life would be different. He had actually been instrumental in my acceptance of Christ and my deepening of faith. He could quote many numerous verses from the Bible. Yet for him, it was obviously in name only where his faith lay, because his actions belied his being a child of God.
He would do cruel things such as pour a box of cereal on the floor and tell me to get on my hands and knees and clean it up. He deliberately cut large holes in some embroidery work I had labored over that was to have been a Christmas present for my little sister. After viewing the movie, The Godfather, he repeated one of the scenes on me, beating me with the strap of his belt across my back to where I had bruise marks.
It did not take much to ignite his anger. I became deathly afraid of him and dared not say a word when he would hit me, for fear he would become even more violent. He was so jealous of me that he refused to allow me to even go to the store without him. Control over me and my entire life is what he was demanding.
I was attending church regularly, even teaching the 3 year old class and he would go as well. But yet, I recall times when he would beat me when we arrived home from church, for no apparent reason at all. It was confusing as to what his motives were. I was a good person and loved the Lord. I was a loving mother and responsible individual. Yet, my life was one of complete anxiety and fear because of this man. As a Christian, I did not want a divorce, yet, I knew that the Lord did not demand that I stay in an abusive situation like this. Isaiah 51:12 says, “I am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass?” and verse 16, “I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand”. My place of anxiety, which was like a prison, was keeping me from joy in the assurance of God’s care and from the courage to act and speak for God. I knew that God desired more for me and my life than to be controlled by fear of this man.
Upon his deployment for an overseas tour with the Navy, I quickly filed for divorce and moved into my own place. Once he was served with papers he immediately cut off my allotment and I had to go through legal means to get it reinstated. After he returned from overseas he showed up one evening telling me to do his laundry and then beat me to within inches of my life after I finished it. He had never previously hit me in my face, however, this time was different, and he was unmerciful. My face was beaten, bruised, cut and bloody. Neighbors heard the disturbance and called the police, whom then convinced me to file charges, which I agreed to. However, my ex was not taken into custody. The next day, very typical of abusers, my ex brought over a beautiful new watch for me and begged me to please drop the charges so that his “Navy career would not be jeopardized.” I was frustrated and frightened as he drove me to the police station to talk to them. Authorities said that the case had now become “the state of California versus him” and that I was unable to drop charges. I exhaled a big sigh of relief that he was not going to be in control over this. God was in control.
Unfortunately, it was not over yet. Two weeks prior to our court date he went to my home; fortunately, my son and I were not there. He broke a window and piled all my clothes on my bed, poured camping fuel on them and lit a match. When I arrived home I discovered my mattress on my front lawn, windows broken out, and everything charred, wet and ruined. Even the wall phone was melted to the wall. I only had the clothes on my back; but, most importantly, my son and I were alive. While the police and I knew my ex had committed this arson, there were no witnesses and no real evidence other than a shoe print on the front door where the tread did match some tennis shoes of his; therefore, no charges could be filed against him. He actually got away with it.
My son and I lived with a friend from my work for three months until I could save up enough to get into my own place again. People at work generously donated funds to help out. God’s provision of loving people in my life at this time carried me through.
The court date arrived for the domestic abuse charge. I was so fearful, but yet determined that justice be served and knew that God was with me. My ex’s public defender saw me and asked if I would be willing to talk to him, which I agreed to. My ex was planning on pleading not guilty. However, after his attorney and I talked, his plea was changed to guilty. Perhaps my petite size of 5’ 1” and 90 lbs changed the attorney’s mind; especially in light of the fact that my ex was 6’ 3. He received his sentence, probation and mandatory counseling.
Do I wonder why I had to go through all of the anxiety, pain and suffering? No, because I know that God uses the events in our lives to grow and mature us, to build our character and to be able to bring His comfort to others through our compassion and empathy for them. 2 Corinthians 1:3 says “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God”. I also knew that His plans for me were not to harm me; they were to prosper me, to bring me hope and a future. Bad things can happen to good people. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”. God’s Word is so comforting and full of hope, if only we will go to it and believe it, then we have the power to hand over life events to Him and allow Him to be in control knowing that all is well in the palm of His hand and the shadow of his wing.
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