What Story Are You Writing With Your Life?

What makes a good story?  In the movie, “Rocky”, the first 45 minutes of it is spent building up the character of “Rocky”.  He is shown doing good deeds, being kind and being an all-around nice guy. This is done so that when the fight scene comes, we cheer, hoot and holler for him.  We are given a glimpse of his true character, so that when he wins, we are thrilled. If he had been a mean spirited person, then we would not have cared how the story ended. 

What kind of story are you writing with your life? Is it filled with scenes where the audience would hoot and holler for you?   Our story is written by not only our actions, but our reactions, and our words.  Just like in a fictional book where the characters take on a mind of their own and do what they please, instead of what the author desires, we do too.  However, the author can highlight and delete and rewrite the story. Unlike the author, God does not highlight and delete when we are writing our story and allow us to redo the scene.  But, fortunately, God does give us mercy and grace to go forward writing our story and improve the subsequent scenes.  He also supplies us with all the tools that we need in order to live a great story.  However, just knowing where the tools are, (the Bible), and what they are, (His power through the Holy Spirit), isn’t enough.  We have to implement them into our lives.

Let’s imagine a scene where you are in the mist of doing a grandiose deed for someone. However, you are showing disrespect and spewing venomous words at them while you’re accomplishing the good deed.  Your actions may have been caused by frustration, but no spiritual fruit is manifested which totally negates everything.   Again, would the audience hoot and holler for you and give you accolades for the deed that you accomplish?  No, your Rocky scene would have been booed.

 There are positive and negative charges set off by us that have a profound effect on those around us which reveal our true heart and character. They have the ability to either completely ruin the story or cause applause.  Who cares about the good deed if verbal vomit is being spewed at someone while getting there?   Let’s all try to create uplifting scenes with our lives.  Ones that blow our audience away with the spiritual fruit that we display, Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control.  Whoa, what a beautiful love story we have the ability to create with our lives if we will truly tap into the source, Jesus Christ, and use the power of the Holy Spirit to help us write it. Otherwise, your story is one that the audience would rather walk out on.

What is your view of yourself?

Most all of us ponder at one time or another about our past and the choices that we made which have resulted in where we are now in life.  We think about the “what if” I knew then, what I know now, in the realm of wisdom, and could have a “do over”.  What would our life look like? 

My total lack of self-worth, insecurity and feelings of unworthiness in my youth caused me to allow myself to settle for a man that treated me in the most ungodly ways.  In my innermost being I did not believe that I was attractive to anyone else.  Oh, how I praise God that through his grace, mercy and Word, He has shown me my worthiness…simply by being his daughter, his child, his beloved.  If only more would become grounded in His Word in order to realize the extent of love and value that He places on each of us, lives would be changed and better choices made earlier on in life.

Most strive for affirmation from man.  Worth and value depends on being in the right clique. Rejection plunges us to the deepest low.  We strive to impress people that we usually don’t even truly like in the first place.  All for what?  A good feeling?  Acceptance? Validation?  It is all so very temporal in the first place.  People move, jobs change and then we are thrown into a new set of people causing us to be vulnerable again to going though the same emotional torture if we allow them to control our feelings of worthiness.

I have found that life is kinder to me with having a Godly view of myself.  I strive to please my Creator, not the created.  He is the only one that I want to impress.  Yet, He does not demand that I impress Him.  He loved me before I even considered myself lovable.  How awesome is that?

Want to know the results of my seeing myself through God’s eyes?  It is revealed by seeing the man that I am married to.  By allowing myself to see the value that God places on me, I placed a worth on myself that meant I was worthy of a God fearing man that would treat me as God intended.  He is the most loving, considerate, kind, understanding and Godly man that I know.  Yes, I have pondered the “what if” I had known God’s value of me in my youth.  Because I would have loved to have been able to have spent more than just the past 6 years with this beautiful man.  But, I praise and thank God for giving him to me when He did.  I won’t be sad for the years I didn’t have him in my life, just so very thankful for the ones I have and the future ones that He will bless me with. 

How about you?  Do you allow man to be your validating stamp of approval?  Or do you see yourself and worth through our Lord’s eyes?

What has been your defining moment in life?

Many of us have defining moments that we can look back on which have shaped us into the person that we are today, good or bad. That defining moment could have been something done to you by someone else or it could be something done by you or that you are now currently doing. It could be a loss of a close family member that you can’t get over or an emotional wound inflicted by someone.  It could be an addiction that has its grip on you; alcohol, drugs, pornography.  It could be financial losses that have shattered your dreams of success or a divorce that has left you torn.  Have you allowed your losses and heartache to be turned inward causing brokenness in your life? We do not have to be defined by our brokenness.  Do you need a new defining moment?  God can redefine you and give you a new life, a new reputation, a new vision.

There are examples in the Bible that we can pull from that give us instruction on how to be redefined.  The first one is in Mark where he tells us that Jesus is teaching and a man with a withered hand is there.  Jesus tells him to stand up, to stretch his hand out and then He restores his hand.  We are not told anything else about him…not how old he is…not where he lives…not his name…he is defined by his brokenness. ..the man with the withered hand. In Luke we are given a bit more information, that it was his right hand.  The right hand represents friendship and blessing, fruitfulness and success.  This man had none of these things.  He has a withered, shriveled hand.

 Are you living a withered life?  It may be withered relationships, finances, or health, any number of things.  Failure or weakness that has restricted you, grasped you and brought you to the place where you say, “This is all I’ll ever be”.  Loss of hope.  It could have happened years ago or just yesterday.

God wants more for your life.  He says to the man, “Stand up and stretch out your hand”.  The man was obedient.  The Bible doesn’t say that he responded in faith, he, at first, just obeyed.  And his hand was restored.  He now has been redefined.  He is no longer the man with the withered hand, but is now defined by a miracle.

If you want to have a life redefined by Jesus, then take a stand…take a risk.  Move against your weaknesses, your limitations, your fear, the old definition of you.   Because God can stretch you so you can become a new person.  What would your life look like if you could be redefined by a miracle?

Luke tells the story of a woman that had been crippled for eighteen years….bent over, unable to straighten up.  Something had happened eighteen years ago that became her defining moment.    Jesus touched the woman and said, “You are set free from your infirmity”.  Like the man we don’t know anything about the woman.  She is defined by her defect.  She can’t look anyone in the eye.  She can’t see the horizon; she has no vision for the future.  Her perspective and point of view is downcast, depressed, small. 

Are you defined by your immediate circumstances?  No vision or hope for the future.  Are there things in your life that make you feel like her? Afflicted by her infirmity, her outer condition is a reflection of her inner condition.  Jesus told her, “Woman, you are set free from your infirmity”.  You, too, can step forward in obedience and faith towards freedom.  Jesus says to walk towards Him and He will give a freedom that comes from the inside out.  That encounter became her new defining moment.  No longer was she defined by being bent and broken or by what she couldn’t do.  Like the man, she is now defined by a miracle.  Do you feel bent and broken so that you can’t see your future ahead and just accept that “this is just the way my life is going to be”?

Too many people are crippled in mind and spirit, unable to reach their full potential for all that God has in mind for them.  Be defined by a miracle.  Don’t be known by what you did or was done to you, or by what you cannot do.  Be known for what God has done in your life….a walking miracle. These Biblical examples are a testimony to the power of Jesus Christ.  The man and woman took a stand, a risk, reached out to God in obedience and were healed.

The synagogue rulers were angry that Jesus healed on the Sabbath.  Like them, there will always be someone who doesn’t want you healed.  Wants to keep you in your brokenness.  Take a stand.  Take a step towards healing.  There are Christian counseling and Celebrate Recovery programs available out there to help you.  God wants to redefine you for His own glory.  Do you want to be known by your brokenness or by wholeness… by deficiency or God’s sufficiency… by a wound or by healing?  Jesus wants to heal you, set you free.  What would your life look like in your brokenness to take that stand, that step?

Seeds of Dysfunction

Many of us have unhealthy seeds that were planted in us as children that have now morphed into unhealthy behaviors and relationships.  I know that, for me, some of these things were done prior to my memory setting in, but recalled later, and caused issues in my life which contributed to my making unwise choices. Our family of origin may have been dysfunctional and planted some thorns and thistles.   However, I believe that God does not allow anything to be planted in us that He will not and cannot uproot and tear down, if we are willing. He can build wonderful things out of the rubble of our lives.  He is for our good, not our harm.  In Matthew 15:13 Jesus says, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots.”  He can take all the trash in our life and make one huge bonfire.

What has been planted in your life?  Thought processes and belief systems,illusions and lies passed down through generations?  While unhealthy seeds may have been planted in you by others, however, it is YOU who must be willing to have them uprooted.  We may have been innocent victims; however, it is we who have made the poor choices. 

We can feel as if we are in a desert all alone, simply enduring it all, but God can come and meet us in our desert. A desert does not mean only a land of sand.  Jeremiah 2:2 says that a “desert is a land not sown”.  It can also indicate a place free from distractions, so that God can clearly communicate with you to change what has been a time of difficulty into a day of hope.  God can use our negative experiences to create opportunities to turn to him. The Lord wants to plow up that desert and sow a vineyard that will yield fruit.  But in order to plant, He must first sow in us His Word. Jeremiah 14:16 says, “When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight.”

 We must get into the Word of God and allow his Word to be sown.  Let Him plow up and tear down the old negative thoughts and patterns that have been held for so long. We are His precious children and He desires for us to have abundant lives, not lives that are dysfunctional and fixed in patterns of old.  Join a Bible Study, attend church, and read His Word….through it you will see all the riches that our Lord desires for us.

Help! My mind is a whirlwind and I'm stressed.

What can we do when we are in a crisis, in that very moment, when our mind is racing and is not able to focus, when we can’t even think with a sound mind, much less feel that we will be able to get through it? When we think we can’t fight anymore and we feel weak and have a spirit of fear? Whether it is a loss of job, or when rejection suddenly happens, the death of a loved one, or even harbored unforgiveness eating at us.  What can we do that will pull us through?  I have been in many of these situations and can speak from experience about what has made the difference for my being able to handle the stress and survive, rather than allowing that spirit of fear to grasp hold of me and believe the lies that Satan would wish for me to believe.

One tool that I use is to call on the name of Jesus.  There is power in His name.  When my mind feels on fire and full of defeat, I simply call out His name, “Jesus”. I can feel the sense of the power of God and His Sprit welling back up in me.  One of the scriptures I always recall is 1^st John 4:4, “Greater is He who is in me than He who is in the world”. I know that the Holy Spirit that lives in me is stronger than Satan and his dark kingdom.  A former Bible Study leader that I was taught under years ago told the story of how she was over in France attending a conference and upon leaving to go back to her hotel realized that she was being followed at every turn of her walk.  She prayed and asked God to protect her and to tell her what to do.  God put in her mind for her to turn around and rebuke the man using the name of Jesus.  She couldn’t grasp doing something like that and prayed again for God’s leading.  Again, God put in her mind to rebuke the man in Jesus’ name.  She finally did just that.  She turned and faced her stalker and said, “In the name of Jesus I command you to leave me alone”.  The man threw up his hands, his mouth dropped open, he then spun around and ran down the middle of the street. She said she felt that an angel of the Lord must have risen up behind her as she faced her stalker for the reaction that he had.  There is power in the name of Jesus.

 Also, God has not given us a spirit of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. We must learn how to rebuke the fear from our minds and learn how to take our thoughts captive; otherwise, we tend to think and rethink something over and over. It becomes a twist of meditation that Satan loves to use on us.  The difference between worry and meditation is the focus of our thoughts.  When they are centered on God and His Word they become transforming and empowering.  When they simply are a replaying over and over of an event or something negative that someone has said to you, then it has the power to become a stronghold. We start believing the lies that Satan tells us.

I had a friend that had a border collie that loved his ball.  He would not put it down.  When he ate, he would drop it in his bowl and eat around it.  One day she heard splashing and when upon walking into the powder room she saw that he was trying to get his ball out of the toilet where he had dropped it while getting a drink of water. Outside he would give a muffled bark at the neighboring dog with his mouth full of the ball. Like the ball in the dog’s mouth, leaving even his bark and growl ineffective, so do our lives become when we keep those negative thoughts in our minds replaying them over and over.  We must learn to meditate on God’s Word and to memorize scripture which will enable us to take our thoughts captive and not allow ourselves to become prisoners of our negative thought life.

Lastly, I cannot express how much emphasis I must place on community, a Small Group of believers that you meet with regularly, healthy people, which are there to hold you up. People that will speak words of comfort and healing, which have possibly already experienced what you are going through.  We have to get over the secrecy that many Christians hold on to, not willing to share their personal lives.  We need community. We were made for relationships.  When we live in secrecy we may not realize that we are living in a very dysfunctional situation and we can start thinking that it is normal. We need to live in the light and live life with people that are willing to share our hurts and confront us when they see a wrong. I have consistantly been in various Small Groups since I was 28 years old.  My Small groups have always been there to keep me grounded and offer me Godly Wisdom from His Word to keep me stable and accountable and sane. J  If you are not in a Small Group, get in one.

Giving a Helping Hand or Codependency?

Being a Christian includes doing all you can to take care of family members, even when they continually exhibit unhealthy and irresponsible lives, right?  Or is it? Is there a point when their continuous dysfunction crosses the boundary as we struggle with carrying their burden, diligently seeking ways to pull them out of the mire of their pit as they constantly refuse to budge?  When does it become a co-dependent relationship and what does co-dependent even mean?

The dictionary defines co-dependency as, “Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a person, typically one with an illness or addiction”.   American Mental Health says that, “Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.  People with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.” Oh, my!  I am so THIS!....or at least I previously was.  See, I am now a recovered co-dependent. However, it was a long time coming; because for years I had mistakenly taken my loving, caring, fix-it attitude as the “Christian” thing to do. I was challenged to take a hard look at some of my relationships before I realized how very unhealthy they were while attending a Celebrate Recovery Co-Dependency program at my church. That was when I was introduced to the definition of insanity, which was “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

Was I insane?  Or was I just repeating a learned behavior?  Looking back, it was a behavior that was modeled extremely well during my childhood.  I realized that the modeled behavior had actually caused more dysfunction than it had in helping the ‘other’ person.  Mainly, because the other person didn’t change…it had only made the co-dependent take on the responsibility of the other person’s behavior instead of taking responsibility for their self.  Gee, and we co-dependents thought our strong point was that we cared so much! I now realize that my weak point is that I often underestimate the people with whom I’m dealing.  They know what they’re doing.  I had a naïve assumption that people don’t follow agendas of their own, in their own perceived best interest.

As I learned more about my co-dependency issues, I learned that I needed to lovingly detach from some of my relationships. I also had to learn that detaching doesn’t mean that I don’t care. All my controlling, worrying, and trying to force things to happen did not really show how much I cared.  It was not affecting the outcome. It didn’t work. For years, I thought I was doing things right by giving them needed steps for them to take to get their lives in order. I would continuously get involved in their drama, even though they never took my suggested steps or made any effort towards change.  I needed to let go of my need to control and allow God to be in charge. But, when I did, then it hit.  Guilt.  I felt guilty about those I left behind-those not recovering, those still in pain.  I learned that survivor’s guilt is a symptom of co-dependency. Rats!  I couldn’t even get away with feeling the guilt!

I had to learn that, as much as I wanted to, I could not bring everyone with me on my journey of recovery.  I did not have to wait for others to decide to change as well.  I gave myself permission to grow, even though the people I loved were not ready to make changes.  I had to leave them behind in their dysfunction and suffering because I cannot recover for them.  But, I chose to not suffer with them and to stop trying to force change upon them.  They are accountable for themselves. 

I am learning to enjoy the fullness and joy of life without the unrealistic expectation that those I love get there with me.  God gives every one of us free will to accept His love to replace those hurts and hang-ups that we all have. It just so happened that I took His gracious gift and learned to dance within the bounds of his love and quit trying to control.  It is His job to touch people and effect change.  Not mine.  For He is God, and I’m NOT.

Trusting in God During Anxiety and Stress

My life verse has forever been Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  This verse has ministered to me in my darkest hours. I grasped hold of this promise years ago and clung to it mightily when my world was bleak and scary.  It is amazing how the power of God is released through his Word if we only believe. There have been so many times when God’s Word has boldly given me confidence when anxiety and stress tried to consume me. I will tell you about the period of my life when I began to tighten my grip on this verse.

I was quite young, a teenager with a child, married to an abusive spouse. I didn’t plan on that scenario.  Looking back, I realize that when I got married so young, it was not because I was in love, as much as it was that I was running from a chaotic childhood home.  I have wondered in hindsight how I tolerated the abuse even one time, much less all the many instances that I endured.  Perhaps the abuse didn’t seem all that abnormal to me because I had not had role models to exemplify what love was supposed to look like.  My childhood was full of yelling, screaming and name calling between my parents.  However, this man I married was supposedly a Christian.  I thought my life would be different. He had actually been instrumental in my acceptance of Christ and my deepening of faith.  He could quote many numerous verses from the Bible.  Yet for him, it was obviously in name only where his faith lay, because his actions belied his being a child of God.

 He would do cruel things such as pour a box of cereal on the floor and tell me to get on my hands and knees and clean it up. He deliberately cut large holes in some embroidery work I had labored over that was to have been a Christmas present for my little sister.  After viewing the movie, The Godfather, he repeated one of the scenes on me, beating me with the strap of his belt across my back to where I had bruise marks.

It did not take much to ignite his anger.  I became deathly afraid of him and dared not say a word when he would hit me, for fear he would become even more violent.  He was so jealous of me that he refused to allow me to even go to the store without him. Control over me and my entire life is what he was demanding.

I was attending church regularly, even teaching the 3 year old class and he would go as well.  But yet, I recall times when he would beat me when we arrived home from church, for no apparent reason at all.  It was confusing as to what his motives were.  I was a good person and loved the Lord.  I was a loving mother and responsible individual. Yet, my life was one of complete anxiety and fear because of this man. As a Christian, I did not want a divorce, yet, I knew that the Lord did not demand that I stay in an abusive situation like this. Isaiah 51:12 says, “I am he who comforts you.  Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass?” and verse 16, “I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand”.  My place of anxiety, which was like a prison, was keeping me from joy in the assurance of God’s care and from the courage to act and speak for God.  I knew that God desired more for me and my life than to be controlled by fear of this man.

Upon his deployment for an overseas tour with the Navy, I quickly filed for divorce and moved into my own place. Once he was served with papers he immediately cut off my allotment and I had to go through legal means to get it reinstated. After he returned from overseas he showed up one evening telling me to do his laundry and then beat me to within inches of my life after I finished it. He had never previously hit me in my face, however, this time was different, and he was unmerciful. My face was beaten, bruised, cut and bloody.  Neighbors heard the disturbance and called the police, whom then convinced me to file charges, which I agreed to.  However, my ex was not taken into custody. The next day, very typical of abusers, my ex brought over a beautiful new watch for me and begged me to please drop the charges so that his “Navy career would not be jeopardized.”  I was frustrated and frightened as he drove me to the police station to talk to them.   Authorities said that the case had now become “the state of California versus him” and that I was unable to drop charges.  I exhaled a big sigh of relief that he was not going to be in control over this. God was in control.

Unfortunately, it was not over yet.  Two weeks prior to our court date he went to my home; fortunately, my son and I were not there.  He broke a window and piled all my clothes on my bed, poured camping fuel on them and lit a match.  When I arrived home I discovered my mattress on my front lawn, windows broken out, and everything charred, wet and ruined.  Even the wall phone was melted to the wall.  I only had the clothes on my back; but, most importantly, my son and I were alive. While the police and I knew my ex had committed this arson, there were no witnesses and no real evidence other than a shoe print on the front door where the tread did match some tennis shoes of his; therefore, no charges could be filed against him.  He actually got away with it. 

  My son and I lived with a friend from my work for three months until I could save up enough to get into my own place again.  People at work generously donated funds to help out. God’s provision of loving people in my life at this time carried me through.

  The court date arrived for the domestic abuse charge. I was so fearful, but yet determined that justice be served and knew that God was with me.  My ex’s public defender saw me and asked if I would be willing to talk to him, which I agreed to.  My ex was planning on pleading not guilty.  However, after his attorney and I talked, his plea was changed to guilty. Perhaps my petite size of 5’ 1” and 90 lbs changed the attorney’s mind; especially in light of the fact that my ex was 6’ 3. He received his sentence, probation and mandatory counseling.

Do I wonder why I had to go through all of the anxiety, pain and suffering? No, because I know that God uses the events in our lives to grow and mature us, to build our character and to be able to bring His comfort to others through our compassion and empathy for them.  2 Corinthians 1:3 says “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God”. I also knew that His plans for me were not to harm me; they were to prosper me, to bring me hope and a future. Bad things can happen to good people. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”.  God’s Word is so comforting and full of hope, if only we will go to it and believe it, then we have the power to hand over life events to Him and allow Him to be in control knowing that all is well in the palm of His hand and the shadow of his wing.