What has made me "resilient"?

I was talking to my youngest daughter’s BFF about survival after a crisis in life. She has her masters in child psychology, currently working on her doctorate.  She responded that it was resilience.  "Resilience" in psychology is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and adversity.  But where does it come from and how does one get it?  What causes some people to turn to drugs and other means of escape while others are able to go forward and gain strength for having gone through a crisis? I can only give you answers from my own personal experience…I am a survivor.   I look back upon my life experiences very early in life and see numerous crisises that came my way from a very young age.  While to some degree the crisises left me vulnerable to making poor choices because they had happened, yet, somehow I was able to continue forward to arrive eventually at a safe place in life.  So, what was it that allowed me to escape the repercussions that many people suffer, such as addictions?

 I know for a fact that it was faith, my Christianity, and my God.  Yet, ironically, scientific research has not established a connection between spirituality and resilience.  Yet there exists no other answer for me.   If you look at what the American Psychological Associations give as the “10 Ways to Build Resilience”, there is not one of them that, as a child, I would have known to do or had the capacity to do. 

By the time that I was in 4^th grade and really understood the message about God and Jesus, I had been molested by two different individuals.  I had buried the events until later, as many young victims do, only to recall them as a teenager.  But, during that repressed time I heard the story of Jesus and I felt a strong pull towards Him, along with the concepts of goodness and right doing.  I wanted to be a “good girl”.  Like many families, my family suffered from dysfunctional issues. Therefore, my home did not represent a feeling of safety for me.  Because of this, church became my safe place.  My parents would only sporadically attend, so I would have them take and drop me off so that I could go by myself.  I desired and wanted to be around God and Godly people. 

In my teenage years I remember that something sparked my recall and the episodes of molestation surfaced.  By this time Biblical principles of forgiveness had been instilled in me and I found that I was able to forgive the individuals as well as not harbor resentment.   Forgiveness is such a powerful tool as it allows you to go forward and not dwell on the episodes, thus, becoming a prisoner to the event or becoming a victim.  Victimization is the cause of so many people feeling that the only way to get through the pain is through the escape offered with drugs or alcohol.  The need for escape was not there... forgiveness allowed me to go forward.

Unfortunately, some women can and do suffer from eating disorders, sexual confusion, depression and compulsive behaviors as a result.  A predator long gone can hold one captive in their today, robbing them of their tomorrow.  Do I still remember the events?  Certainly!  Do they still resurface on occasion?  Absolutely!  Forgiveness does not mean that you forget about the traumatic event, however, it gives you the leverage in dealing with it.  The resentment, anger and frustrations are now replaced with positive feelings toward the individual, empowering you as you realize that you are the stronger person for the forgiveness that you have given. 

This forgiveness is not colored with expectations that the other person ask for the forgiveness, nor change.  It is a sincere, heart wrenching decision that comes as a result of the Holy Spirit allowing your heart to soften, acknowledge the pain, offer forgiveness, and go forward.  My Christian principles have taught me that I am a sinner and that God sent his Son, Jesus to die for me to pay the penalty of my own sin with His blood, so that I could be offered forgiveness and have eternal life, after death, by simply accepting and trusting Him as my Lord and Savior.  If He would do this for me, who am I that I cannot offer forgiveness for the wrong done to me?  I am the one that wins.

 Resilience?  Possibly....but only because my Lord graciously instilled it in me.

Charlie Sheen - Our Hero?

Transformation of self is no easy task.  I think that each of us wants to become a better person at some point in life.  However, how do we even begin. For Christians, Scripture tells us, " Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will".  So how do we renew our minds and what is that all about?  And what's wrong with the "pattern of this world" that we don't want to copy it?

Well, surely that last question is a rhetorical one...but, for those that don't adhere to the Christian faith then perhaps that IS an honest question. I think that when one views the heroes that are lifted up today that they can see examples of what ''the pattern of this world' is and what results it brings to people following it.  Take Charlie Sheen....please, take him...somewhere...okay, just being funny.  But truly, look at that poor guy's life.  He is a good actor, but has allowed his fame to deceive him into thinking that he is immune to consequences of his destructive actions.  He gorges on drugs and sex and one wonders how happy he could possibly be to have such an insatious appetite for using these things to escape from the reality of life. One evening of TV will show you what the world patterns consist of...drugs, alcohol, sex, lying, cheating, etc.  Not exactly character building programing.  I think pretty much everyone would agree that the life styles that are being portrayed on the screen are not exactly healthy nor will they produce lives that are of quality. My hope is that this crisis that Charlie is currently battling will bring about a much needed transformation of his mind and life.  But, why does it take crisis to get to the point that one is willing to change?  Learning from other's mistakes would and can make life so much easier. So I'm thinking that NOT adhering to the "patterns of this world" is a pretty good jump on helping to transform one's life into a better one, hopefully, prior to a crisis in our life.

So how can we "renew our minds" and how will that make a difference in our life?   Our mind controls what we think, and what we think controls our actions.  So if we change the way we think, then it is reasonable that we will change some of those negative behavior patterns. Some practical steps would be to watch less TV and to view only those shows that don't glorify negative behaviors.  While they may be entertaining, they also have the subliminal effect that causes you to become desensitized to the negative lifestyles being portrayed.  Suddenly, they don't seem so bad.  Funny how we forget that these are just actors living out a script...yet in reality these behaviors destroy marriages, relationships and lives.

 Another way to "renew our minds" would be to read books that contain positive role models that exemplify good morals and values.  It is kin to the cliche "what you eat is what you are".  Same thing with our minds...what we put into it  has great impact on our behavior. Join a small group at your church. There is no better way to understanding how we can grow in character than to study what God's Word says about it.  Some think of God's Word as being a book about do nots.  Don't do this and don't do that.  What many fail to realize is that God's law is about keeping us safe from harm and healthy.  Taking adultery as an example; it has the ability to destroy families and can possibly transmit sexually transmitted diseases, one being emotional and one being physical in nature.  It produces a ripple effect that extends to more than self.  Talk about crisis in a family!  This is true with most all negative behaviors....it is not just "self" that is suffering the consequences.

But, what if you are in the middle of a crisis right now? Taking these steps will make a positive advance in getting you out of it and help to transform you into the person you know you can be, God willing. Counseling and Support Groups can be of great benefit, too. 

Let's all strive to be better people.  The world is getting to have a real shortage of them.